Healthy Ramblings
by steph84
Summary: Abby Mystique is Lily Evans' best friend and she keeps a diary of her seventh year at Hogwarts, including information on Lily and James Potter's relationship as well as Abby's newfound interest in a fellow Marauder.
1. September 3

September 3  
  
I've come to the sad conclusion that I will begin a diary. But I'm not going to call it a diary because that sounds too girly and I've always been more of a tomboy than anything. But I have so much to chronicle, seeing as I'm starting my seventh (and final!) year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. As much as I complain about classes, early mornings and homework now, I know I will miss it when it's gone.  
  
One of my main concerns right now is the romance that seemed to appear over the summer between my best friend, Lily Evans, and her arch nemesis, James Potter. The past six years have been a constant battle and struggle between the two. I've never really cared one way or another for James and his group of friends. James himself is entirely too narcissistic to ever comprehend being our friend. Sirius Black is about as odd as they come, with the shadow of dark wizards clouding his past. I would never expect Sirius to be involved in the dark arts in any way, but he's still weird. Little Peter Pettigrew is the others' friend by geographical convenience. Poor little guy tags after them because no one else will have him and I think it makes him feel like a big man. Remus Lupin seems to be the most ordinary of them all; he's kind, gentle, soft-spoken and just a generally all-around good person. Cute, too, but that's a whole other story.  
  
When Lily informed me her first day back that she and James had hooked up in Diagon Alley two weeks prior to the first day back, I didn't think much of it. She was practically glowing with the news and—silly me—I thought she was just happy that she and James had ended the six year feud they had going on. That lasted until James swooped her up on the King's Cross platform and kissed her right on the lips. Four pairs of jaws scraped the ground; I assumed neither Sirius, Peter nor Remus knew about the relationship, either.  
  
And so I've been introduced to James' group and they were introduced to me and we've been hanging around like actual friends for the past three days. It's been kind of nice, but it will take some getting used to.  
  
I'm going to go now. Lily's demanding my full attention and being the ditzy brunette that I am, I can't write and talk at the same time without disastrous consequences.  
  
Your doting friend,  
  
Abby 


	2. September 10

September 10  
  
I take back anything horrible I ever said about James and his friends. I've never laughed so hard in my life. Lily and I joined them outside during break today to chat about nothing in particular. Now, it's common knowledge that Severus Snape absolutely despises everything to do with James, Sirius, Remus and Peter. But for some odd reason, he keeps poking his ugly nose around their business and then whines when it gets slapped (metaphorically, that is). So today he comes wandering around and Sirius jumps from the grass to his feet automatically, his wand out in front of him, prepared to duel.  
  
"Pipe down, horse mouth!" he cried and to this moment, I still haven't fully understood what that meant. But apparently it struck a chord with Snape because he whirled around, his wand held out in front of him, waving it wildly at whoever made the comment.  
  
"Temper, temper," Sirius teased, tucking his wand away in his pocket. "You're going to have to work on that, Snivellus." Sirius sat back down on the grass, watching Snape tentatively, waiting to see what his reaction would be. Much to his disappointment, Snape turned on his heels and began marching past them up to the castle.  
  
"Snivellus snivels!" James called in an undertone, bowing his head when he said it. Lily, who was sitting on his lap, punched his shoulder. "Ow!" he cried, rubbing the spot where she had pounded him.  
  
"Snivelly little Snivellus," Sirius muttered, just loud enough for Snape and us to hear him. I burst out into laughter and I guess that was too much for Snape to handle. He whirled around and sent a stream of silly string in our direction.  
  
Laughing hysterically, Sirius stood up and pulled out his own wand. "If you're going to duel, Snivellus," he said, taking aim, "duel like a man." He shot a snake out of the end of his wand and it began slithering towards Snape menacingly. Snape backed away, his dark eyes growing wide with fright. The snake hissed at him and bared it's fangs warningly. Snape backed up against the nearest tree, his eyes now watering with unshed tears.  
  
Lily jumped up from James' lap and took aim with her own wand. "Stupefy!" she cried and a jet of red light flew from the tip of her wand and hit the snake. It froze in it's spot and she picked it up carefully and moved it to the other side of the lawn. By the time she returned, Snape had fled the scene, obviously embarrassed, and the rest of us were rolling on the ground in laughter. Except for Remus, however; he was staring at Lily as though he couldn't believe he was friends with such horrible human beings.  
  
Maybe it was wrong to laugh at Snape for his misfortune of being a git, but it served him right for trying to jinx Lily and I when we were watching Quidditch last year. We never did anything to him and I was glad to be hanging around with a group that was making a move to do something about him. Lily reckons I shouldn't have joined in with James, Sirius and Peter's laughter. "They're troublemakers, Abby," she warned. "You don't want to get too far mixed up with them."  
  
I let out a low laugh. "That's a bit rich, coming from you, isn't it?" I asked. "Seeing as you're dating the ringleader?"  
  
She only blushed.  
  
I guess I should go now. I have a foot of parchment to write on the segregation of any creature not human for History of Magic. How enthralling.  
  
Your cheerful friend,  
  
Abby 


	3. September 14

September 14  
  
I was I the library today, minding my own business, when the chair beside me was pulled out. Severus Snape sat down in it and stared deeply into my eyes. "I don't find what you're doing funny," he snarled.  
  
I looked down at my Transfiguration book. "I'm with you there," I retorted. "I actually find Transfiguration rather boring."  
  
He rolled his eyes. "Not that," he said, menace dripping from his voice. "I mean hanging around with Potter's crowd. Just because your dotty friend is getting mixed up with them doesn't mean you have to as well." He clicked his tongue. "I always thought you were brighter than that."  
  
I recoiled in anger. "I beg your pardon?" I sniffed. "What is it to you that I hang around with my friends?" I put emphasis on the last word and Snape's grin only grew more.  
  
"Friends, eh?" he asked. "Don't be too quick to bet the farm on that one."  
  
"Am I interrupting something?"  
  
I looked up gratefully to see Remus Lupin standing above us. Without a second to spare, Snape fled his seat, leaving nothing short of a trail of dust behind him. Remus laughed. "Was it something I said?"  
  
I grinned. "Have a seat," I said, gesturing to Snape's abandoned chair. "One seems to have come free." When he sat, I found the air around us rather stifling and I began to worry. Why was it we had nothing to say? I continued to study my Transfiguration book, grumbling about the upcoming test.  
  
"I can help you if you'd like," Remus offered. When I looked up, his face had gone a deep shade of red. "If you need it, that is. If not I'll completely understand."  
  
Well imagine my joy! Finally I would have someone able to break down each step of Transfiguration. Professor McGonagall was a wonderful teacher but she had a tendency to skip through certain steps and fail to repeat them. Okay, well maybe she didn't skip steps. Maybe I just chose not to listen.  
  
"I would be thrilled if you would be patient enough to put up with me," I joked happily.  
  
Remus shook his head sweetly. "I have nothing but time and patience," he replied. "You need not worry in that area."  
  
I raised my eyebrows. "You haven't worked with me yet, have you?"  
  
Lily nearly fainted when I told her the new arrangement. "This is great!" she said excitedly. "I'll date James. You date Remus. We'll find two girls for Sirius and Peter and we can all go...quadruple dating! How exciting!"  
  
I raised my hands in protest. "Oh no," I said before she got too carried away. "Remus and I aren't dating. He's helping me with homework. That's all."  
  
Lily wore a completely look of skepticism in her eyes. "Do you think we all haven't noticed the way he looks at you?" she asked.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Oh, Abby, you can be so dense sometimes! Remus totally has a crush on you!"  
  
I folded my arms across my chest and sat back in my chair. "What's your proof?" I asked vehemently.  
  
Lily rolled her green eyes. "Come on, Abby, quit denying it. How can you miss the not-so-subtle glances he gives you during classes? And how he stares at you in the library? And the way he smiles when you walk into a room? And the way he laughs when you tell a joke? And the way..."  
  
Her voice trailed off and I glanced to where her eyes had darted. Sirius, James, Peter and Remus had just entered the common room. "Hey baby girl!" James called, heading in our direction. Naturally his friends followed. He wrapped Lily in a tight embrace and kissed her neck.  
  
"Get a room," Sirius grumped, flopping down in the chair across from me. Remus sat in the one beside me and Peter stood awkwardly by the fireplace. James had taken over Lily's seat and she was seated in his lap. "I mean, really now. You guys should just get married and get it over with." He shook his head. "I still find it hard to believe that all this came about over two months."  
  
Lily blushed and I gasped. "Traitor!" I hissed jokingly and threw the pillow behind my back at her. "You two had started something last year, didn't you?"  
  
James laughed aloud. "You don't miss a thing, do you?" he said. "Of course it started last year. Well, for me it started over five years ago. You were such a cute little second-year," he said teasingly to Lily, who giggled girlishly.  
  
I felt something brush my hand and looked down to see Remus' hand not far from mine. His face was turned in Lily and James' direction, but I could see his eyes darting in mine. I took a deep breath. It's all in your imagination, I repeated silently. Lily has gotten you all worked up and worried about it, that's all.  
  
"Sickening," Sirius muttered to himself, referring to James and Lily's behavior. "Is anyone going to Hogsmeade on Halloween?" he asked, changing the subject.  
  
"Um, yeah," Remus retorted. "All of us, remember?"  
  
Sirius shot him a glance. "I know we're going, dummy," he retorted. "I was talking about the girls." He turned to me. "So are you going?"  
  
I grinned. "Halloween isn't for another month and a bit. How on earth did you learn about the trip already?"  
  
"Yeah, it hasn't even been posted," Lily chimed in.  
  
Sirius grinned bashfully. "We have our ways," he said mysteriously, examining his nails.  
  
James grimaced. "He's lying," he informed Lily and me. "We sneaked into Filch's office and saw the notice."  
  
Lily's mouth dropped open. "But—you could have gotten caught!" she cried in shock. "Are you all insane?"  
  
"Not all of us," Remus piped up, looking unusually smug. "Just some of us." Once again I felt his hand brush against mine and I suddenly felt as if the room was absolutely stifling.  
  
"I'm going for a quick walk before we have to be in for the night," I said, standing from my chair and stretching. Half of me expected Remus to join me and that very same half was petrified. But when he remained silent, the other half became wildly upset. I left the common room alone, but it didn't take Lily long to find me and gloat.  
  
"I saw his hand reaching for yours twice!" she squealed happily. "I told you he liked you!"  
  
"Lily, my friend, I think you need a hobby," I retorted as we left the castle and headed out onto the grounds. "Our chairs were pressed together and there wasn't much room; of course his hand was going to touch mine."  
  
She just grinned at me.  
  
Your frustrated friend,  
  
Abby 


	4. October

October 4  
  
Wow. I feel like I haven't had time to breathe lately, let alone write in here. Not much has happened since I last wrote, however. Hogwarts is pretty dull and mundane, as usual.  
  
The Halloween date for Hogsmeade has been 'officially' set. James wasted no time in asking Lily to go with him and Sirius began asking every girl in sight if they would go with him. When the fourth girl in a row turned him down, he turned to me and said, "What's wrong with me? Why don't girls like me?"  
  
"Um..." I began. "Well, when you walk up to a girl and say, 'Going to Hogsmeade on Halloween? Want to meet up and make out?', they tend to become a little frightened of the forwardness."  
  
He nodded slowly, taking in this information. "I get it," he said after a moment. "You girls like guys like Remus."  
  
"Meaning?"  
  
He grinned mischievously. "Subtle guys."  
  
I didn't reply to that comment.  
  
On the other side of the coin, Remus and I have started our Transfiguration lessons. He is so much better at explaining than Professor McGonagall. I adore McGonagall but when I say I don't understand something, she repeats the exact same phrase to me to explain it. I don't think she's realized that if I don't understand it the first time around, chances are I won't understand it the second time around.  
  
Remus, however, is the complete opposite. "Do you understand?" he'll ask me after he explains something. If I stare at him blankly, he'll give me the cutest smile and begin explaining again. But most frightening of all, we were studying in the library last week and sitting side by side at a table. While I read four pages of my book, I felt his hand brush mine under the table, yet again. My heart began to pound and I actually felt faint.  
  
"Excuse me," I said standing up abruptly. "I have to go tell Lily something." And I took off down the hall at a run, nearly knocking over Sirius and James on the way.  
  
"Whoa!" Sirius cried, whirling around with the force of my impact. "Don't hurry or anything!"  
  
"Sorry!" I called back over my shoulder. I ran directly to the Gryffindor common room where Lily was reading a book in front of the fireplace.  
  
She stared at me. "Why are we out of breath?" she asked with a wicked smile.  
  
I took a breather and explained everything that was going on to her. She couldn't stop smiling the entire time. "Not only does it sound like Remus likes you," she said when I finished. "It sounds like you like him, too!"  
  
"Do not," I replied stoutly.  
  
"That's why your heart began beating rapidly when he touched your hand?"  
  
I sighed and closed my eyes. "Remus is my friend," I said pointedly. "I think I got scared and confused because I don't want to ruin our friendship, but I don't know how to tell him that."  
  
Lily shook her head and went back to her book. "Kissing works wonders," she said without looking up from her pages. I threw a pillow at her and ran back to the library, apologizing profusely to Remus.  
  
"No worries," he said, giving me that cute grin again. Through the rest of our lesson, I couldn't help but wonder if Lily was right: does Remus Lupin really like me? And if he does, do I like him back?  
  
James came to the common room earlier to collect Lily for an evening stroll along the water's edge. Sirius was planning a night of serious studying (something completely out of his nature) and Peter would be joining him. Remus and I sat in awkward silence, across from one another, discussing lame subjects such as the weather and the likes. I was desperately wishing that someone would intervene so that we would be spared further painful topics, like homework or something equally lame.  
  
"Isn't the moon bright tonight?" I asked, looking out the window of the tower. I thought I saw a flicker of fear in Remus' eyes, but brushed it aside as nerves. "I suppose it will be a full moon in another night or two."  
  
He nodded stiffly. "Are you going to Hogsmeade?" he blurted out.  
  
I nodded slowly. "Yeah, although I guess I'll be going alone. Lily and James will take off, leaving poor, little old me all by my lonesome." I laughed at myself. "How silly is that?"  
  
"If you'd like, you could hang around with Sirius, Peter and I," he said slowly, staring at his hands. "Or, maybe just myself."  
  
"What?" I asked, not sure I heard him correctly. But at the same time, Sirius burst through the portrait hole.  
  
"If anyone asks," he said breathlessly, diving into the nearest chair, "I was here with you all night. And if anyone else asks, Mark Young always had elephant ears."  
  
I couldn't help but laugh.  
  
Was Remus going to ask me to Hogsmeade? Or did he already? I wasn't quite sure what he meant by, "Or, maybe just myself." Could that have been the beginning of a sentence that he didn't get a chance to finish? Or is my brain just working overtime? Whatever the reason, I know I am absolutely exhausted. I'm going to go to bed now, before Lily gets back and gloats some more. (I love her to death, but she's getting really irritating!)  
  
Your confused friend,  
  
Abby  
  
October 19  
  
I saw Remus today for the first time since the common room that night. No one would give me a direct answer as to where he was. "Studying," Peter informed me.  
  
"Partying," Sirius said.  
  
"Dunno," James answered.  
  
Helpful bunch of twits.  
  
But when I did see him today, in the Great Hall, he looked very tired. "You should get more sleep," I advised. He only shook his head and smiled without a word.  
  
We met up later in the library for another study session. "You're getting better," he assured me when I was able to successfully transform my water bottle into a flashlight. "At least your flashlight doesn't pour water now."  
  
I laughed. "Typical of my work...usually dripping water from somewhere." The jolly mood didn't last. Before long, Remus was silent again and I was at a loss for words. We sat there for several moments while I turned the flashlight back into a water bottle, then into a flashlight again. After several moments, the water bottle was beaming a brilliant light from the top and Remus had to tap it with his own wand to shut it off.  
  
"I've been thinking," he began slowly. "If you're going to Hogsmeade and Lily is going with James, why don't you go with me?"  
  
"You already offered for me to go with you, Sirius and Peter," I reminded him gently.  
  
"Yeah, but I mean, go with me and only me," he repeated, staring at his hands in his lap. "I would understand completely if you don't want to go with me."  
  
"Yeah, I've been meaning to talk to you about that," I began.  
  
He looked up sharply. "You don't want to go?"  
  
I smiled. "I would be honored to go with you."  
  
His handsome face relaxed into a smile. "So it's a date?"  
  
"Yes," I replied. "It's a date."  
  
I couldn't stop smiling all the way back to the common room. Lily gasped when I entered. "He finally asked you out!" she cried, clasping her hands to her mouth. "Oh, this is so great!"  
  
"How did you know?" I asked her, my face falling. Telling her was going to be half the fun. She's so over-emotional when it comes to things like this.  
  
She half-shrugged. "James said Remus had been thinking about asking you to Hogsmeade ever since Sirius found out when the first date was," she answered. "I figured he would take his time, though."  
  
"Thanks a lot!" I cried in mock anger. "Glad to know everyone but me knows my business."  
  
Lily grinned. "It's not just your business now," she warned. "It's Remus', too."  
  
Your frightened friend,  
  
Abby  
  
October 23  
  
Things between Remus and I are warming up nicely. He's becoming the sweetest person I know, next to Lily of course. No matter what, she'll always be my best friend. But if she keeps gloating about this whole thing with Remus, she won't live to enjoy my friendship much longer.  
  
The six of us where studying for our first Potions test of the year in the common room today. Well, five of us were. Sirius was prancing around, imitating our Potions master, Professor Grundy. "Be careful!" he cried, swooping down on Peter, who screeched in fright. "If you mix the wrong ingredients, you could seriously harm yourself or someone around you." He then paused, looking thoughtful. "But feel free to fix me up with some potent potion," he continued in Professor Grundy's deep, throaty voice. "I could use a personality transplant."  
  
I burst out laughing and Lily gave Sirius a reprimanding look from her spot on the floor by the table. "Professor Grundy happens to be one of my favorite professors," she informed him grudgingly.  
  
"That's because you think he's cute," Sirius retorted, flopping down in the armchair next to James.  
  
Lily blanched. "I do not!"  
  
"Actually," Remus chimed in from the seat beside me, "you did say that two days ago, Lily."  
  
Lily's face went from white to brilliant red as James looked up from his book and stared at her. "I meant 'cute' as in elderly man 'cute'," she argued, but the damage had been done. We all knew what she meant when she said it, but we vowed never to let her live it down.  
  
Dumbledore announced earlier today that Lord Voldemort is gaining strength rapidly and we are all to exercise extreme caution when dealing with the world outside Hogwarts. This information should frighten me, but I feel a still calm knowing that Dumbledore is around. Voldemort has always been terrified of Dumbledore and I know that Dumbledore will do everything he can to protect everyone.  
  
It appears as though I'm not the only one who has very little concern for this news. Upon hearing the news, Sirius jumped up on the table in the Great Hall and began brandishing his wand. "I would kill him before he got a chance to take me down!"  
  
"If Voldemort walked in this door right now," Remus whispered in my ear, "Sirius would be the first one to wet himself in fright."  
  
I giggled at the thought and Sirius (who had just been reprimanded and ordered to sit down by Professor McGonagall) looked over at us. "Inside lovebirds' joke?" he asked, teasing written in his eyes.  
  
My face was very red for the rest of the day.  
  
Embarrassingly yours,  
  
Abby  
  
October 26  
  
Hogsmeade is coming up quicker than I would like it to. Lily has taken the liberty to seeing that I'm dressed properly for my date. She actually dragged me to her dresser and began holding up her outfits to see what would go best.  
  
"I've been dressing myself for seventeen years!" I protested. "I'm sure I can still manage."  
  
Lily's lips were pursed in deep thought. "I don't know," she said hesitantly. "I kind of like the green sweater on you."  
  
I rolled my eyes, knowing she didn't hear a word I had said. "It's going to be Halloween, Lily," I tried again. "I want to get into the spirit."  
  
"You are not wearing a costume!"  
  
"Not a costume," I replied, rooting through my own closet and pulling out a soft orange sweater. "Just organize my colors so that I match the holiday." In the end we compromised on my orange sweater and Lily's black jeans. She tried one more time to dress me in a green summer dress, but I pointed out that the weather had been so unstable and it was likely to rain. "I'm not parading around Hogsmeade in a summer dress while it snows and/or rains." She finally agreed to let me wear what we had picked out.  
  
Remus and I held our last Transfiguration lesson before the Hogsmeade visit in the common room today. Once again, I had the distinct impression that he was trying to reach for my hand, but couldn't quite force himself to do it. I had my own thoughts of reaching for his hand, but each became more unlikely as they passed through my mind. I've been feeling so silly with him, though. We're seventeen years old, although we're acting as if we're twelve, afraid to touch one another for 'cooties' or some other silly reason. Quite childish. Yet I still won't reach for his hand first.  
  
And I have to confess: out of the four Marauders (that's what Sirius, James, Remus and Peter call themselves; isn't that cute?) I could see myself with Remus least. I'm adventurous and outgoing and spontaneous; it would be more likely that Sirius (loud, brash, sociable, friendly, and did I mention loud?) would be my type. Yet it's Remus (who sets my heart aflutter and tends to make me forget how to breathe. I think I'm going to have to work on that.  
  
Your breathless friend,  
  
Abby  
  
October 31  
  
Leaving for Hogsmeade in one hour. Just wanted to convey my feelings of utter terror and fright. My stomach is in knots and my nerves are shot. But my heart won't stop pounding.  
  
Terrified at Hogwarts,  
  
Abby 


	5. November

November 1  
  
Okay, I know it's late. And I know I should be in bed sleeping, although tomorrow's Sunday and I don't have any classes. But it's nearing one in the morning and I just got in, wanting to write down all my thoughts and feelings before I absolutely burst!  
  
Remus met me outside the castle at eleven this morning, as planned. We walked to Hogsmeade with the others, although I wish we hadn't. Sirius and James started a mud-slinging war halfway there and were both covered in mud and had to be scourgified before reaching the village. Peter jumped at every little sound (he's a twitchy little guy) and Lily looked incredibly put out that James wasn't paying any attention to her.  
  
When we arrived, snow had begun to fall lightly on the ground. I gave Lily a glance that plainly said, "See? Aren't you glad I didn't wear a summer dress?" She only made a face in response. As soon as we reached the main street, James grabbed Lily and began dancing around in circles. Peter and Sirius headed directly for the Three Broomsticks and Remus and I stood in uncomfortable silence. Just when I was beginning to regret agreeing to this date, he asked if I wanted to go into the Three Broomsticks as well.  
  
"Sure," I agreed and we sat down at the table closest to the door, waving to Sirius and Peter who had taken the furthest table in the corner. Sipping Butterbeer out of our mugs, we laughed at James and Lily, still whirling around in the falling snow outside, and the others in the tavern that were making it clear they had been drinking the entire morning. Tripping over one another, they tried to dance and sing their way into the afternoon, giving Remus and I our chuckle for the afternoon.  
  
When we stepped back outside, the snow had begun to taper off and the sun was shining brightly. "Talk about your opposites," Remus commented and I agreed. Suddenly I got a great idea.  
  
"Let's go to the haunted shack!" I cried, tugging on his arm. His face went blank and I had to explain to him what the haunted shack was. (Actually, it was christened the Shrieking Shack last year by Hogwarts students, but I prefer the term 'haunted'.) It took me nearly a quarter of an hour to convince him to accompany me up to the shack, and even then, we only stood on the bridge facing it. It really lives up to it's haunted image. We heard absolutely no noises while standing there, but the fright that could be instilled in a person is almost too creepy to put to words.  
  
While I pondered what the inside of the shack looked like, Remus touched my arm. "I want you to know that I'm really enjoying being here with you," he said softly. His eyes were so fully of something that I couldn't quite put my finger on...was it relief? The snow had begun to fall lightly again on our way up to the shack and little flakes rested on Remus' hair, making him look cuter than ever before. Before I could say anything, he was leaning towards me and our lips met.  
  
Now I've kissed guys before, but this was something else. I felt as though mini explosions were going off throughout my body and fireworks were exploding in my mind. The butterflies in my stomach had moved up and invaded my heart. The kiss was sweet and gentle and everything a first kiss between two people should be. When we broke apart, he touched his lips softly.  
  
"Was it okay that I did that?"  
  
I grinned. "Absolutely."  
  
We held hands all the way back to the village, feeling more at ease with one another than before. We stopped at several shops to look around on the way and made our way back into the Three Broomsticks to collect our friends. Darkness was falling by this point and we didn't want to miss the Halloween feast. As soon as Sirius, James and Peter appeared, Remus dropped my hand and I replied with an understanding smile. They headed off in front of us, together, and Lily and I trailed behind.  
  
"So?" she asked me impatiently. "What happened? You're blushing, so don't lie and say nothing happened."  
  
I shrugged my shoulders. "We'll talk later," I answered, which nearly drove her insane. She finally dropped the topic somewhere near the castle's entrance and I think she figured I would tell her in my own time. Either that or she got tired of hearing her own voice.  
  
The Halloween feast was absolutely incredible, as always, and after we felt fully satisfied, Remus and I headed outside to sit on the benches under the stars. The snow had ceased again and the night became considerably warmer. We discussed our futures after Hogwarts and Remus expressed his interest in fighting against the Dark Arts and the rising of Lord Voldemort. "I wouldn't mind my hand at teaching," he said after a few moments pause. "That way I could sort of cover every area of fighting the Dark Arts."  
  
We talked until nearly midnight, and then hurried back into the castle so we wouldn't be locked out for the night. Bidding farewell at the top of the staircase in the Gryffindor common room, Remus looked like he wanted to kiss me again, but thought better of it. He held my hand for a moment before saying his goodnight and heading off into the boys' dormitory.  
  
I don't know if I'll be able to sleep. Lily left me a note on the table in our dormitory demanding that I tell her everything as soon as I get in. Seeing as she's asleep, I don't think she'd be too pleased if I started chatting at the moment. But I can't wait to tell her!  
  
Blissfully yours,  
  
Abby  
  
November 14  
  
Okay, well Remus seems to have disappeared again and his friends conveniently have no idea where he is. James looks like he wants to tell me something, but always seems to think better of it, something incredibly unusual for him. I sound bitter, don't I?  
  
The Christmas holiday plans have been set, but not engraved in stone. James and Sirius will be going to the Potters' house while Peter goes home to his own parents. Remus, Lily and I will be staying at school. My parents are going to France for the holidays and wanted me to go with them, but I'd rather stay at school. We've gone to France the past two years for Christmas and you can only stare at the Eiffel Tower for so long.  
  
Lily's parents want her home but her sister is coming home from her Muggle school with her Muggle boyfriend, Vernon Dursley. The way Lily describes him, he seems to be a real piece of work, always poking fun at her for being a witch. "He's a complete darling in front of my parents," she told us bitterly. "So I'm not going home this holiday."  
  
And Remus is...well, we're not sure. He never really answers. His parents and he get along just fine, but he says he'd rather stay at school this year than go home. I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever understand him.  
  
As I suspected, Lily was thrilled that Remus and I got along so well and 'worked out our feelings'. (I love the way she put that; better than James' term of 'got down to business'.) We've been spending most of our nights, lying awake in the dorm, talking about our futures with 'our guys'.  
  
"You'll marry Remus and I'll marry James," she planned. "We can even have a double wedding! Peter and Sirius will be our best men and we'll get married right after graduation. Maybe Dumbledore will let us use the Hogwarts grounds! Wouldn't it be wonderful to be married on the same grounds which we met our husbands?"  
  
I could only laugh. Lily reminds me so much of a little girl sometimes, planning her life around current events. But her words got me thinking long after she had drifted off to sleep. Could I really marry Remus? I liked him, yes, and I liked him a lot. But was it possible that I could marry him? I know we just started dating and everything and we've only been on one date so far, but there were so many secrets revolving around Remus. The mysteries added up after a while and I'm going out of my mind trying to decipher them all.  
  
I think I'm going to go sleep for awhile now. My head is aching and Dumbledore is having a meeting early tomorrow morning about Voldemort's power (that he's gaining more of every day) and James convinced me to go with him and try to listen to what's being said in this meeting. I must confess I'm becoming a little worried now.  
  
November 17  
  
Not much to report right now. My feelings are a little blurred but I guess that's normal at seventeen years of age. The professors are really pressuring us into figuring out what we want to do when we leave Hogwarts. This presents a problem for me: what do I say when I don't want to do anything? Well, that's not the case. I want to do something, just not anything that can really be helped by schooling at Hogwarts. I want to be an author.  
  
I've written a few short stories here and there, mostly history and such, and Lily has been the only one to read them. She loves them and even asked for copies to keep for herself. I want to let people in on my world, the world that I know, through my writing. Hopefully I can do that one day.  
  
Apparently Remus is back on the scene. I haven't seen him yet; pity we don't have any classes together. James says he's certain Remus will be contacting me soon to get together again, most likely for another Transfiguration lesson. Oh joy, watch my excitement.  
  
By the way, James and I couldn't listen in on Dumbledore's meeting about Voldemort...turns out Dumbledore's smarter than we give him credit for.  
  
Painfully yours,  
  
Abby  
  
November 21  
  
I just had the most romantic night of my life.  
  
It all started when Remus met up with me in the library after supper. I was reading the latest book by R. Quinlan about vampires, werewolves and other things that go bump in the night when someone covered my eyes from behind.  
  
"Lily, if that's you, I'm going to kick your butt," I said, grinning. My smile faded however when I turned around to find Remus smiling down on me. Once again, he looked exhausted and worn and I couldn't help but notice the scratches on his face, like he'd been in a fight with someone or something bigger than him.  
  
"I hear tell you're mad at me," he began the conversation. I found I couldn't look at him without my heart melting into a little puddle. "I'm sorry I haven't been coming around lately; things on my end have been rather hectic."  
  
I only grunted, afraid to speak. Truth be told, I wasn't angry so much as I was hurt. It seemed ever since our Hogsmeade trip, he had been avoiding me. Sure I saw him at mealtimes in the Great Hall, but very rarely spoke to him. I wanted to know why he had been avoiding me, if he was avoiding me at all. These thoughts whirled about my brain, but before I could spill them out onto the table for discussion, Remus took my hand gently and led me out of the library. "Leave the book," he instructed when I protested. "This is much more interesting."  
  
"More interesting than things that go bump in the night?" I asked. "Where have you been living?"  
  
He led me to the Great Hall, a place I had only been (other than mealtimes) once before after dark. Personally, it scared the hell out of me, a room that big and no one in it, but before I could open the door and peer in, Remus covered my eyes again.  
  
"Hey!" I cried.  
  
"Promise you won't open them until I say?" he asked.  
  
I muttered, "Yes."  
  
"Okay." I heard the door open and he guided me into the Great Hall. I couldn't see anything, but the room felt unusually warm for a November evening. He walked me a few more feet and then commanded, "Open your eyes now, Abby."  
  
I did and my heart leapt into my throat. Remus had arranged a blanket on the floor in the middle of the Great Hall with tiny little sandwiches, Cauldron Cakes, a bowl of fruit and Butterbeer. I turned around to face him and he scolded me gently. "Sit down, Abby," he directed, helping me to the floor. "We've got a little of everything here so feast and enjoy.  
  
My eyes drunk in everything around me and it was only then that I noticed the sky above us. "It's clear!" I cried in amusement. It had been snowing all day and well into the evening so far and the ceiling of the Great Hall had been bewitched to look like the sky outside, imitating weather as well. "What did you do?"  
  
Remus grinned sheepishly. "In the words of Sirius," he said wisely, "'It was like that when I got here'."  
  
I couldn't help but laugh. He poured us each a glass of Butterbeer and kept urging me to start eating. "I figured I had better make amends," he said after we had both been eating for fifteen minutes or so. "And there's something I want to explain to you."  
  
I figured the explanation I had been waiting for was on the horizon so I set down the sandwich I had been picking at (I knew I shouldn't have eaten so much for dinner!) and listened to him intently.  
  
"I'm going to start at the beginning," he told me, "and all I ask is that you let me finish before asking questions. I know you're going to have a lot.  
  
"When I was younger, I was quite a foolish boy. Always searching for trouble and usually finding it; that sort of thing. When I was five years old, I was out after dark and came into an encounter with a werewolf. I have to say I fought admirably, for a five year old boy, but in the end, he got to me and bit me on my right leg." (This might not be the exact transcript, seeing as I'm recalling it by memory, but I'm doing the best I can.) "My parents went to the ends of the earth for a cure, but received no luck. I thought I would never be able to come to Hogwarts.  
  
"Thankfully, Dumbledore is Headmaster. He agreed to find a way to get me into school and he succeeded. Once a month, during the full moon, I am taken from the castle and led through the underground tunnel, which begins at the Whomping Willow, and ends in the shack in Hogsmeade. I transform and remain there until my time is up and I am able to return back to the castle, usually in worse shape than when I started." He looked up at the ceiling as a shooting star passed by the full moon. "This is the closest I'll ever be able to get to a full moon again, I'm afraid." He closed his eyes momentarily, as though he wanted to photograph the scene in his mind.  
  
On the other side, my mind was still reeling. I'm sure my jaw was scraping the ground and I'm sure Remus expected me to be repulsed by what he was telling me. Yet it did nothing for me. I didn't feel any different about him than I did in the past. Actually, truth be told, I felt closer to him for having the nerve to tell me this. But it was far from over.  
  
"There's more," he continued when I made a move to speak. "Every month when I transform, Sirius, James and Peter transform with me." He smiled at my puzzled look. "No, they're not werewolves. But each of them has learned how to become Animagi."  
  
"Oh." Pretty pathetic, I know, but that's all I could manage. What else does a girl say when her boyfriend has just informed her that he's a werewolf? "That explains your lasting bond," I finally finished.  
  
Remus nodded. "Very true. A werewolf doesn't harm anyone but humans. They did it all just for me, to keep me company. They're very good friends, indeed." I detected tears in his eyes but made no move to wipe them. "Do you hate me now?" he asked after a long moment of silence.  
  
I stared in disbelief. "Are you insane?" I grinned. "I feel closer to you than ever!"  
  
He looked at me as though he couldn't believe what I was saying. "Are you joking?" he asked, looking suddenly skeptical. "Because if you are, it isn't funny."  
  
"I'm not joking," I assured him, crawling over the blanket to hold his hands in mine. "Don't worry," I said when he pulled away slightly. "I won't bite."  
  
We spent the next three hours curled up in each other's arms, staring up at the sky above us. Only when the light began to stream through the windows did we decide to hurry back to the common room. With a wave of his wand, Remus cleaned up the remnants of our romantic picnic and we hurried back to the common room and up the staircase to our dorms. This time, Remus didn't hesitate in kissing me quickly on the cheek. I wished for a longer embrace, but hurried off to my own dorm to jump into bed before the sun was fully up and people were waking for the day. 


	6. December

December 8  
  
Between my classes, writing my own stories and Remus, I hardly have time for anything else anymore. Not that I'm complaining, however, I just enjoy coming here and venting all my thoughts, watching them pour out of my mind onto the paper in front of me and weave a story that I hope is one day worth of reading.  
  
Remus and I have grown so much closer. Because he let me in on his secret, Dumbledore called me to his office to discuss it and make sure I was okay with everything. "I've never felt closer to Remus," I told Dumbledore truthfully and his eyes danced with glee.  
  
"It's very hard for someone in Remus' place to find love and acceptance," he told me. "I'm very glad he has such good friends."  
  
Of course, Lily found out shortly afterwards and had the same conversation with Dumbledore. Laying awake one night about a week ago, we were discussing Remus and his condition. "I honestly don't feel any different," Lily whispered into the darkness. "I mean, a lot of people, I'm sure, would be frightened out of their minds. But I don't feel a thing."  
  
"Neither do I," I whispered back. "And I think that's good for him, to realize that his friends won't be swayed by something he has no control over." Of course it crossed my mind to become an Animagus as well so I could join the four of them each month in the hollow of the Whomping Willow. But when I confessed these thoughts to Lily, she proceeded to declare that I was insane.  
  
Two nights ago, Remus and I were feeling extremely adventurous. Hand in hand, we sneaked out of the castle about ten at night and down to the Whomping Willow. Through the passageway we traveled, eventually coming out in the shack in Hogsmeade. "I've always wondered what it looked like inside," I said, everything clicking into place: why Remus was so hesitant as to visiting the shack and why he blanched when I mention the moon being particularly bright that one night. But I still care about him and that's all that matters.  
  
Our little escapade got us into some trouble, though. Both of us were exhausted and we decided to rest on the floor for just a few moments. I awoke nearly eight hours later when the sun was up and shining through the windows; we had fallen asleep! Shaking Remus, I managed to rouse him before dashing off down the long passageway again. We arrived back at the castle just in time to see Professor McGonagall nearly keel over from the sight of us.  
  
"I'm very disappointed," Dumbledore lectured with laughter in his eyes during our meeting with him and the Minister of Magic. "Two of my best students in the school, off gallivanting around the grounds, and with Voldemort on the loose!" He clicked his tongue and winked at us. "Very disappointed indeed."  
  
"Do you think he was putting on a show for the Minister?" Remus asked sarcastically afterwards when we were back in the common room. We both laughed.  
  
"Not at all," I replied. "What would make you think that?"  
  
"Oh, I don't know," he answered, sitting back in the armchair beside the fireplace and closing his eyes. I stared at him for a good, long moment, reflecting on how I've felt about him in the past. In the beginning, I thought he was the goody two-shoes of the group: always the one to go ratting on his friends when they were doing something against school rules. Then he turned out to be the friendly one, not a snitch like I had previously assumed. After a few months, he's become the light of my life. I know that sounds really corny but it's true. He can light up a room just by walking into it and I absolutely adore his smile and the lopsided grins he gives me when he knows I'm teasing him about something.  
  
Forgive me for admitting this but I think I might be falling in love!  
  
Happily yours,  
  
Abby  
  
December 21  
  
Term ends soon and James is fervently trying to persuade Lily to join him and Sirius at James' parents' house. Lily's protesting, only because she says she wants to spend time with me at school, but seeing as Remus will also be here...two's company, three's a crowd, as they say. (Not that I truly believe that when involving my friends because Lily and Remus are close as well, but I know Lily really wants to go spend the holidays with James and meet his parents.)  
  
Speaking on that topic, Remus recently touched on me meeting his parents. "No pressure or anything," he added quickly, "just a friendly encounter."  
  
I'm a little leery on the whole idea, but Lily positively swooned when I told her. "You're lucky!" she told me enviously. "The only way I'll meet James' parents is if I break down his door over the holidays."  
  
"He invited you!" I reminded her.  
  
She grinned slyly. "Not all that willingly," she said. "Sirius likes a girl in James' neighborhood and talked James into inviting me so that Sirius could spend more time with his lady friend."  
  
I laughed aloud at the prospect of Sirius Black having a 'lady friend'. "Whatever the reason," I continued once I had gained control of my laughter, "I still think you should go."  
  
"You would," she teased. "You just want to spend the time alone with Remus."  
  
I felt my face go red. "I want to figure something out," I confessed. I couldn't tell Lily this and I can't believe I'm writing it here, but I think if Remus and I spend the Christmas break alone together, I can hash out my confused feelings for him and hopefully figure out a direction in which I want to take our relationship.  
  
My mother once told me, years ago, that a girl never has to think twice if she's in love. "You'll automatically know," she informed me. "There's no second guessing it." And until this moment, I didn't really understand what she meant. I'm not second guessing my feelings for Remus; it's obvious in my mind that I'm in love with him. I guess I just want to make sure he feels the same way.  
  
The end of classes is tomorrow and everyone begins leaving on the morning of the twenty-third. My parents wrote me one last time to see if I had changed my mind and wanted to go with them, but I declined. I would love for Remus to meet my parents, but that's something that will have to be eased into. My parents aren't as open-minded as I am.  
  
Our History of Magic class yesterday was rather exciting. James and Sirius decided to start celebrating early and took to decorating Professor Binns at the front of the class while he droned on about something totally unrelated to Christmas. He hardly seemed to notice that Sirius was wrapping his head in tinsel or that James was trying to hang a tree decoration on his nose. The entire class got a kick out of it, however, except for Lily who proceeded to slide down so far in her seat so that her nose was level with the table in front of us.  
  
"Where's your Christmas spirit?" Remus chided her gently.  
  
Lily groaned. "I must have left it in the dorm," she muttered. "But for some reason, I don't feel that decorating our teacher like a Christmas tree is the way to go about having Christmas spirit."  
  
James heard her and rolled his eyes. "Get with it!" he cried to her, tossing a strand of tinsel around her neck. "At my house we do silly things like this all the time so be prepared!"  
  
I stared at Lily and her face took on a crimson color. "Going somewhere for the holidays?" I teased.  
  
"Sirius talked me into it," she explained, sitting up a little straighter. "He really likes James' neighbor."  
  
"Right," I said, sharing a grin with Remus. We both knew that we were going to be two of the only students staying at Hogwarts for the Christmas break, but it didn't bother me all that much. Just more time to keep learning new things about each other.  
  
Class ended shortly after that and Lily and I watched the four Marauders toss snow at one another outside. Lily looked like she had something to say, but was too frozen to speak so I suggested we take a walk inside to defrost a little. Sure enough, as soon as we had stomped the snow off of us and were able to feel our fingers again, she said, "So..."  
  
I smiled and breathed into my hands. "So what?"  
  
She gave me a knowing look. "So you and Remus are going to be alone all Christmas break."  
  
I glared at her. "Yes," I said slowly. "And they call you clever."  
  
She rolled her green eyes. "Have you thought about..." and she nodded her head knowingly. Blankly I stared at her.  
  
"I think about a lot," I said, sitting down on a bench in the hallway by a window that overlooked the courtyard where the boys continued to have snowball fights. "It's part of my nature," I finished.  
  
Lily sat down beside me. "I mean," she said, exasperating filling her voice. "Have you thought any more about your relationship with Remus?"  
  
I smiled into the distance. "I think about our relationship every day," I replied happily. "It's one of my best thoughts."  
  
Lily looked positively frustrated but before she could say anything, Professor McGonagall whisked by us and asked us to help untie Professor Binns from his chair. "It seems some students would find it highly amusing to decorate the poor man," she said, rushing down the hall.  
  
Lily and I grinned at each other.  
  
Last night, we were laying in our beds, staring at the ceiling and talking as usual when Lily picked up her conversation where we left off. "I meant have you thought about taking your relationship to the next level?"  
  
"Lily," I scolded. "I'm seventeen years old. Marriage is a long way off for me."  
  
"Abby!" she cried in annoyance. "I meant have you thought about taking your relationship any further...like to bed."  
  
I clicked my tongue. "Goodnight, Lily," I said, rolling over to face away from her. She giggled softly and whispered her goodnight. Moments later, she was sleeping peacefully, but my mind was still racing. Did Remus really think that I wanted to spend the holidays with him for that reason? Oh, I hate thinking that thought, and I can only hope that it's not true. I want to spend time with him because I enjoy spending time with him, but it's a known fact around school that students who stay at Hogwarts for the summer have things a lot more loose than they do the rest of the school year.  
  
Troubled in paradise,  
  
Abby 


	7. January

January 2  
  
The holidays have gone by so fast; I can barely keep track of the days. Lily, James and Sirius left for the Potters' and will return on January sixth with the rest of the school. Peter is coming back a day early because his parents are going on a business trip and are leaving the afternoon of the fifth. And so much has happened here that I don't know where to begin.  
  
Remus and I have done so much this holiday so far, including shopping in Hogsmeade for hours on end and enjoying glass after glass of Butterbeer in the Three Broomsticks. (Note to Abby: next time less drinking, more chatting because Butterbeer is mild but potent when you drink over ten glasses in two hours.) We've also made numerous trips to the shack via the underground tunnel that starts by the Whomping Willow. Luckily, the subject Lily touched on hasn't come up yet, giving me a total sense of relief. I think Remus can sense that I'm not ready for that step in our relationship and I don't think he is either. Although things have come close, we're responsible enough to know when to stop. Besides, Dumbledore nearly caught us so we had to act quick.  
  
Remus and I made a pact almost three weeks ago not to get one another any gifts for Christmas, seeing as it puts a lot of pressure on each other because you want to get the best thing possible and it never seems to be found. That's been our unspoken rule for weeks now. But while shopping in Hogsmeade, I saw the perfect book that I knew he would love. So sue me, I bought it for him. But I don't feel so guilty because he bought me a sweater that I had been eyeing for the longest time. I guess our pact didn't hold out too long, but as long as we broke it together.  
  
I got gift certificates for James, Sirius and Peter from various shops in Diagon Alley and Hogsmeade and bought Lily a complete package of bath stuff that she likes, including those bath beads and little crystals that are supposed to make the bath water smoother. Personally I think they hurt like hell when one sits down, but I guess that's why I don't use them.  
  
Christmas Eve was a blast. All the Professors, including Dumbledore, got entirely too tipsy to be watchful and I understood fully while the students who stayed at school for the holidays got more leeway with everything. Professor Dumbledore actually began singing up at the Head Table, although he lacked the typical Sirius quality of standing on the table while doing so.  
  
I think I'm going to go for now. Sorry this entry is so short but I'm exhausted. Remus and I have slept in the common room the past few nights, seeing as there's only three other Gryffindors at Hogwarts for the break and I need to catch up on my sleep in my own bed.  
  
Contentedly yours,  
  
Abby  
  
January 7  
  
Everyone's back and classes have started again. I had big plans to elaborate on the Christmas break but there wasn't much to elaborate on. It amazes me how I can fill three pages on one day in Hogsmeade, but can't seem to convey the positively radiant feelings I felt over the holidays. I'm now positive in my heart that I'm in love with Remus and I'm fairly certain that he loves me, yet I don't want to be the one to approach the subject first. How could I ever put into words the simple joy and pleasure he gives me every day, just by smiling or brushing my hand with his with the lightest graze?  
  
Lily confessed to me last night that James told her he loved her over the holidays and she was giddy with the news. "Have you said it to Remus yet?" she asked breathlessly into the darkness of our dorm.  
  
"No," I replied, glad that she couldn't see my face going red. I desperately searched for another topic to switch to. "How did it go with Sirius and his 'lady friend'?" I listened while Lily told me how Sirius approached Daisy Dandelion (don't ask) and immediately received a slap to the face. "What did he say?" I asked.  
  
"Don't know," Lily replied, giggling to herself. "But he moped for nearly the entire holiday."  
  
After Lily fell asleep, I found myself staring at the ceiling, not thinking about anything in particular. I was excited that classes were starting again (and they went fine today, thankfully) but I began wondering if I should tell Remus I loved him first. It's a scary notion and I shake even now as I write this. I need more sleep.  
  
Your exhausted friend,  
  
Abby  
  
January 12  
  
Remus has disappeared again for this month, but I don't feel angry like I used to, now that I know the full story. Still, I find myself wishing I could follow the four of them into the shack in Hogsmeade and sit by Remus as he endured his burden. But when I ran the idea past Lily, she once again had to stop herself from slapping me.  
  
"You're crazy," she said, rolling her eyes.  
  
"Love makes you do crazy things," I retorted airily.  
  
Her eyes widened as she looked back up at me. "You really love him, don't you?" she asked, seeing the look in my eyes. "You really care for him."  
  
"I do," I replied honestly, unable to control my silly grin. "I really, really do, Lily. And I don't know how to tell him."  
  
She sighed and leaned back in her seat, abandoning the book on her lap. "James told me when we were sitting by the Christmas tree downstairs, late Christmas Eve. Sirius had gone up to bed already and James' parents were in bed long before midnight. He looked deep into my eyes and held my hands and said, 'There's something I've wanted to tell you for so long now. Lily Evans, I love you and one day I want to marry you.'" She closed her eyes as if to replay the scene in her mind. "It was so romantic," she concluded.  
  
"I want that," I said dreamily. "But I don't want to be the one to tell him first."  
  
Lily looked at me seriously. "You might have to be," she warned. "Remus is the quiet type of guy, always been the shy one. If you don't tell him first, the words might never get said." She went back to reading her book, but I reflected on her advice wisely. If I wanted something to be said, I would have to start it myself. After all, if James hadn't told Lily he loved her first, then they might very well have still been sitting in silence.  
  
Despairingly yours,  
  
Abby  
  
January 20  
  
Remus came back a few days ago. He still looks exhausted and worn and I wish I could do something that would help him out a little bit. He's still as sweet as ever, though, and he wants to make plans for another date real soon. "I know there are no more trips to Hogsmeade just yet," he said, "but I was thinking a nice walk outside. When the snow stops blowing, that is."  
  
The wind has been howling all day and for a while it looked as though the snow would never let up. But it's started to dissipate from the air now, leaving a nice blanket covered ground for us to romp on. Yes indeed, James and Sirius are at it again, only this time they're in serious trouble. They got a little careless yesterday and managed to hit Professor Grundy with a flurry of snowballs. Needless to say, they're both in detention for the next month or so, although I think Dumbledore snickered when he heard the story.  
  
I've started my Transfiguration lessons with Remus again and he's incredibly impressed with my 'outstanding talents'. "You've really come a long way," he informed me with that oh-so-wonderful smile that always makes me go weak at the knees. "You'll do fine on your exam."  
  
"Transfiguration, yes," I agreed, marking off a phantom checklist in the air. "Potions is becoming a hassle, though, and I'm afraid I'm going to fail that."  
  
Remus chuckled to himself. "Can't help you there," he said. "I'm in the same boat."  
  
"That's okay," I said, grinning back at him. "We'll fail together."  
  
"I'll never understand how you two got into NEWT Potions after all," Sirius said, joining us at the library table. "No offense, but if I was dying and one of you two offered me a life-saving potion, I would gladly be knocking on death's door."  
  
"Thanks," I said, shoving his shoulder so that he slid sideways off the table.  
  
"At least that death would be voluntary," he added, grinning stupidly.  
  
As much as I hate to admit this, I feel that Lily's temper with Sirius is slowly eroding, leaving her hatred for him pretty obvious. She can't take his jokes as well as the rest of us. James claims it's because she takes everything to heart, but I'm convinced she's just being uptight and I told her so two nights ago.  
  
"I'm not uptight," she argued. "I'm just...particular about my friends."  
  
"No you're not," I argued back, grinning at her. "You're my friend, right? Besides," I added when she failed to smile, "Sirius is James' best friend. You're going to have to get used to him eventually."  
  
"No," she replied stoutly, but I could see the wheels in her brilliant brain working out a way that Sirius and James could stay friends without Lily wanting to murder Sirius every other hour. Although I can't say I can blame her entirely. Sirius is a great guy; he just doesn't know when to stop pushing the line. It can be somewhat irritating after a while.  
  
Dumbledore made another announcement today that Voldemort has gained more followers. He's asking all teachers to join him in the fight—the proverbial "battle against good and evil" and James is right up there, planning on fighting beside Dumbledore.  
  
"They don't come any greater than him!" he said, watching Dumbledore leave the Head Table after his announcement. "And I want to be right there beside him throughout the entire fight."  
  
Remus cleared his throat. "I seem to remember last week when Sirius joked that he saw Voldemort coming across the lake," he teased. "It looked as though you were hiding behind Peter, James."  
  
James' face went red with fury. "I was not," he argued. "I thought I had lost my glasses is all."  
  
Sirius grinned. "Flobberworm," he shot and James gave Sirius an unkind gesture with both of his hands for which Lily reprimanded him sharply. I'm only admitting to myself that this whole Voldemort thing is beginning to scare me more than I originally let on. I hate thinking that he's trying to rid the wizarding world of all people from Muggle parentage; that means Lily and I fear that she's at risk. The rest of us all have magical parentage and Voldemort is said to have been trying to recruit vampires, werewolves and other 'dark' creatures.  
  
"I'll bet my entire life savings that Snape would gladly jump to Voldemort's defense," Sirius sneered at the Slytherin table where Severus Snape sat, watching Dumbledore with a mixed expression on his slimy face. "He's always been one dark dude."  
  
James snorted. "Dude?"  
  
Sirius shrugged. "I heard Daisy Dandelion saying it," he replied, his face going red. We had all heard the story of Miss Dandelion by then and no one bothered teasing Sirius about it. I guess we all agreed with him; Snape was the least likely trusted student in the school at that time and I figured any day after graduation, he would be rooting for Voldemort.  
  
Graduation is a whole other world. It's only five months away, which may seem like a lot but when you start adding all the things we still have to learn in classes, as well as prep for exams and NEWTs as well as prepare for the outside world, it tends to make your head spin. Or at least it does mine, unless that's just the smile Remus is giving me again. That tends to make me dizzy, too.  
  
January 29  
  
Oh wow, what a night. Remus and I were able to put our fears about Voldemort aside for one evening and enjoyed a perfectly romantic stroll outside. The moon was peeking through the clouds above us (obviously not full), casting a gentle shadow on everything around us. The snow beneath us also helped illuminate the night as we sat on a dry bench by the castle and talked while the stars danced above our heads.  
  
"I'm really enjoying my time with you," Remus said, cupping my face in his hands. "You are one of the greatest girls I've ever known."  
  
"One of the greatest girls?" I teased, pretending to turn away. He brought my face back to him and kissed my lips gently.  
  
"Okay, the greatest," he corrected with a smile. Then he sighed and looked up at the sky. "Just imagine," he said slowly, "a whole other world out there, things beyond even our wildest imaginations. Amazing, isn't it?"  
  
I looked up at the sky as well, expecting only to see stars. Instead, I did see the whole other world Remus was talking about. In our minds only, the stars turned into miniature people, twirling one another around the velvety background, far into the night where no one could bother them or touch them. They were their own world and that's what possessed me to do what I felt.  
  
"Remus," I said, drawing his attention back to me. "About our relationship..."  
  
"Ah, yes," he interrupted, avoiding looking at me. "The infamous talk. I must admit, I was dreading when this chat came to pass. I've been enjoying our time together so much that I don't want to see it end."  
  
"But..."  
  
"No, Abby, that's alright." He moved to stand up and walk away from me. "I understand completely. You need your space. I'm crowding you in. The fact that I run around as a werewolf once a month frightens and repulses you. Well, forgive me, but thank you for such a wonderful experience."  
  
I jumped up and grabbed his hand, spinning him around to face me. I kissed his mouth hungrily, as though I would never taste him again. The world around me spun as I thought to myself, "This is the way it should be. This is the way it always should have been. This is the way I am complete." When we broke apart, it took me a minute to collect my thoughts. "I love you," I managed to say without halting. "I think I always have loved you. You and I are so right together and I never want to lose what we have."  
  
He embraced me tightly. "I love you too," he replied softly. We stood like that for a long time and I listened to his heart beat. Now, as I sit in my bed, unable to rid the chill from my bones, my heart radiates happiness and joy. Excitement flows through my veins and pumps into my most vital organ. I feel as though the happiness will never cease from my mind, but I am tired. I'm going to sleep now, to dream about my perfect little world in which I feel whole. 


	8. March

March 8  
  
Wow. I actually managed to miss a whole month of writing. It doesn't surprise me, though, because this year is absolutely flying by, against my wishes of course. February was insane, with Valentine's Day, followed by another trip to Hogsmeade in which James and Sirius almost got expelled for drinking entirely too much Butterbeer and almost burning down the Three Broomsticks. And the cramming for NEWTs has been nothing short of unbearable. A typical day goes as follows:  
  
I get up in the morning and listen to Lily sing her way through her morning shower. Then we eat breakfast, head off for classes, usually spend our lunch hours desperately trying to finish the homework we didn't want to do the night before, go to afternoon classes, go right to the library and cram until our eyes are ready to fall out.  
  
That's a typical day for the six of us and it really got to wearing on our nerves. Not to mention the fact that Dumbledore is chasing us out of every other classroom to hold secret meetings about what Voldemort is up to and what he's planning next. James is convinced Dumbledore belongs to a secret society that works against dark magic, but Lily thinks he's insane.  
  
I feel like I haven't had a chance to spend much time with any of my friends, nor with Remus, because of the excessive amounts of work that's being piled on us. I lived through my OWL year and thought that was impressive. I'm sadly mistaken now. But I'm enjoying the fact that I get to listen to James and Sirius argue over irrelevant points and hear Peter whining every hour of studying about how he's going to fail. I actually felt kind of bad for him when he kept whining yesterday and Sirius told him to stop or else he was going to turn him into a silent bullfrog. I didn't tell him that I don't think silent bullfrogs exist; that's what separates them from regular frogs.  
  
On the upper side of things, Lily got an owl from home; her sister, Petunia, is getting married to that dolt of her boyfriend, Vernon Dursley. Lily is absolutely terrified at the prospect of these two people mating and producing others just like them. "The thought is too horrible to comprehend," she said, shaking her head violently. The wedding won't take place until the summer and the Evans' expressed their desire to see Lily at the wedding.  
  
"We know you haven't always gotten along with Petunia, nor Vernon, for that matter," her mother wrote, "but she's only going to get married once and it would be nice to have you there."  
  
"Who says she'll only marry once?" Sirius chimed in. "If he's that big of a dolt, you never know; she might get fed up with him after a year and chuck him out on his ear."  
  
Lily shrugged her shoulders. "You're all invited," she declared suddenly. James grabbed the letter out of her hand.  
  
"Where does it say that?"  
  
Lily grinned. "It doesn't. I just want to see the look on Petunia's face when a gaggle of witches and wizards come traipsing through the door."  
  
Remus laughed. "Rebel Lily," he commented and she nodded.  
  
"Damn right."  
  
Remus' comment was innocent but I've noticed a fire being lit under Lily lately. She's no longer meek and quiet most of the time; she becomes violently loud when mentions of Voldemort are made and how he preys on people weaker than him. Of course, we suspect it also has to do with the fact that she's got Muggle parents, but she's under Dumbledore's watch, right? I mean, really. Voldemort is terrified of Dumbledore, I'm sure he's not going to come marching through the door and try to take down the castle.  
  
Or so I hope not.  
  
Your befuddled friend,  
  
Abby  
  
March 15  
  
Lily received an invitation to her sister's wedding this summer. The date is July 23 and Petunia added a small note of her own on the bottom: "If you can't make it, we'll understand. Really."  
  
Lily laughed hollowly when she read this little inscription. "She wishes!" she cried, throwing her arms around James and I. "Not only am I coming; I'm bringing with me five of my best friends!"  
  
James grinned sheepishly at her. "Do I have to?" he questioned, but one look from her kept him quiet. Lily and I discussed later how we found it hard to believe that by the time Petunia and Vernon (a.k.a. the Twit) get married, we'll all be out of school and have left Hogwarts.  
  
"I hope we'll still see one another," she said, fretting over this thought.  
  
"If we want to, we will," I retorted. "Sirius is already talking about getting his own place so the Potters won't have to adopt him and I'm sure Remus will still be kicking around." I smiled at her. "We'll always be friends, Lily; don't ever forget that."  
  
She smiled back at me, grateful for my assurance. I think that's just what she needed at the moment.  
  
I'm sorry if my entries seem so short at the moment but studying for NEWTs is really becoming a headache. Remus and I are spending all of our spare time, pouring over books and practicing curse-deflectors on each other. (I'm happy to announce that so far, neither of us has received any serious injuries, unless you could a brief spell in which both of us lost our voices; we're still not sure how it happened, though.) Remus is certain that we'll all pass our seventh year, but Lily runs about the castle, worrying until she's blue in the face.  
  
"I don't think I know the counter jinx!" she'll cry in the middle of lunch. She looks like she hasn't slept in days and I'm reporting, for a fact, that she has sneaked off to see James three nights in a row now. Either that or she's got some weird sleepwalking habit, but I'm sure she's fully conscious when she gets up, gets dressed and leaves the dormitory.  
  
Not that I'm much better. Many thoughts of sneaking out to see Remus have crossed my mind. We haven't spent much time together as of late, and the time we do spend with one another is filled with curses, counter- curses, counter-jinxes and incantation memorization. I feel like I haven't been able to sit down and talk with him in forever.  
  
Frustrated in love,  
  
Abby  
  
March 21  
  
Spring is arriving, slowly but surely. You can now see patches of grass between the mounds of snow and it's giving a hope to all of us. It was actually Lily who decided to blow off studying this afternoon and head outside to enjoy the nice weather while it lasts.  
  
The boys went about, playing as usual, while Lily and I dawdled behind, talking. "You know Molly Prewett?" she asked out of the blue.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
She grinned goofily. "She and Arthur Weasley are going out!"  
  
I laughed. "Arthur? The Muggle maniac? He's such a great guy." And this is meant with the utmost respect. I love Arthur because he's the type of guy that can make you laugh with just an untimely comment about something relating to Muggles. He's so intrigued with these items that he spends days at a time, interrogating Lily as to how electricity works and what exactly is an automobile.  
  
Molly Prewett is just the opposite. Somewhat of a fusspot, she's got a heart of gold. She never seems to go anywhere gracefully, always bustling around in a hurry to get somewhere. Never on time for a class, never on time with her homework...Molly's my sort of friend. Unfortunately our paths haven't crossed much during our years at Hogwarts but she and Lily see each other often.  
  
Up ahead of us, Sirius turned around. "Oh, look at the slowpoke girls!" he cried gleefully, trotting upon the lingering snow. "Too prissy to get involved and deal with the real men!" He hulked up his arms and I fought the urge to burst out laughing. Instead, I bent down once he turned around and packed a snowball from the snow remaining on the ground. Lily advised me with her eyes not to throw it so instead I sneaked up behind Sirius as quietly as I could.  
  
"Not so slow after all, are we?" I said, dumping the entire pack of snow down the back of his robes. His eyes went wide as he spun around to face me.  
  
"Cold!" he managed to mutter before shooting me a dark look. Peter laughed aloud, Remus looked shocked and James began pelting Sirius with handfuls of snow.  
  
"That wasn't very nice," Remus said, falling back to walk beside me while Lily hurried ahead to stop James from making a fool of himself. "Sirius didn't deserve that."  
  
I studied his face carefully. "But it was funny," I ventured, watching his face crack into a smile.  
  
"It was funny," he replied, grabbing my hand and holding it close to him. I know this sounds crazy, but in that one grasp, I could sense his need and desire for me. I don't want to sound conceited, but he is seventeen after all. Just because he turns into a werewolf once a month doesn't mean he's lost that desire. And I feel bad because I'm still being a chicken.  
  
Lily and I talk about sex at great lengths. She's admitted to doing a lot with James, but insists she hasn't lost something that can't be replaced. "We're just not ready," she told me, blushing. "If something ever happened...well, James can't look after himself, let alone a baby."  
  
I agreed with her, but deep down inside, my heart is telling me that if anything were to happen with Remus and I, which I'm sure it will eventually, I'm not so much worried about pregnancy or anything like that as opposed to how our relationship will feel afterwards. I've heard stories from other girls in the school that have had sex with their boyfriends, only to be deserted the next day. Or the others (these ones truly terrify me) that say sex changed their entire relationship. "Nothing was the same between us," they say and this frightens me. I don't want anything to change between Remus and I. We're perfect the way we are. Of course, we have our disagreements, but at least we're together, happily. I wouldn't want to wake up one morning and find him gone or something equally silly. I love him too much for that.  
  
Wow. I confessed it again. I want to tell the world that I love Remus Lupin, yet something is holding me back and I can't quite put my finger on it. Perhaps it's my own fear of being rejected; what if I go and tell the world that Remus and I are in love and then he turns around and shuts me out for some reason. I think that entirely scenario is incredibly unlikely but anything's possible I suppose.  
  
I have to go now. Sirius is letting loose dung bombs in the library and I don't want to be here for this.  
  
Compressed in Hogwarts,  
  
Abby  
  
March 27  
  
Today is my mother's birthday. I sent her an owl a week ago and have yet to receive a reply. But I'm assuming Daddy took her somewhere special, like France again, so I'm not concerned just yet. Although Dumbledore's incessant warnings about Voldemort aren't helping the situation any. It was reported just three days ago that four Ministry officials on the committee dedicated to finding and stopping Voldemort have turned up dead. Dumbledore was in a right state when he heard this and he even threatened to close down the school until it's all over, for our own safety.  
  
Thankfully he retracted that statement thirty minutes later and reassured us that Hogwarts is completely safe. "It's obvious that he's just pissed with the Ministry's sloppy work," Sirius reasoned while we hunkered down around the fireplace in the common room. "I mean, Dumbledore doesn't lose control. He's just made because the Ministry is making such careless work of seeking out Voldemort."  
  
"I agree," laughed James. "I mean, they're practically sending people out, door to door, asking if anyone's seen Voldemort.  
  
"I, for one, am terrified," Lily announced, holding fast to James' hand. "I hate the thought that someone is trying to rid our world of people with Muggle parentage." She shuddered and I saw James look fearful for a fleeting second. "I mean, if Voldemort would only open his eyes to see that Muggles can be useful, too..." Her voice trailed off, leaving us in silence. I don't think anyone knew what to say.  
  
It seems trivial to be worrying about teenage relationships during a time like this, but my relationship with Remus is dominating my mind right now. Well, and other things, like NEWTs, but that's rather minor compared to the rest of this stuff. Remus and I finally had our big talk about sex and he assured me that nothing would happen until we were both ready. He asked me if I was ready yet and I said no. Then I asked him if he was ready and he changed the subject.  
  
Never a good sign.  
  
I just don't know what to do anymore, but I am sure of one thing: I am so incredibly grateful that I started this diary. I told you that I felt this year was going to be an insane one and it turns out that I was right!  
  
Psychically yours,  
  
Abby 


	9. April

April 1  
  
No one has truly experienced April Fools' Day until you have experienced it with James Potter and Sirius Black. It got to the point that by half way through the morning, every teacher, student and ghost was peering over their shoulder to see if either James or Sirius was lurking in the shadows, plotting their next attack. When Sirius put invisible ink in Professor McGonagall's inkwell this morning, I thought she was going to murder him. "I know it was you, Mr. Black, so please stop pretending it wasn't!"  
  
And when James turned the caretaker Filch's cat, Mrs. Norris, into a dust rag, he couldn't locate her for the better part of the day and was near tears when James returned her, well and unharmed. I thought this was kind of mean but James found it extremely hilarious. "He kept looking for her all day!" he jeered after supper. "And she was sitting on his desk the entire time!"  
  
Lily, who loves animals as much as I do, found this prank incredibly insulting and is still refusing to acknowledge that James lives in the same country, let alone the same castle. It's been peaceful without their squabbling, but to someone who hears it day in and day out, the silence seems almost abnormal.  
  
Remus and I spent most of our afternoon hiding out in an isolated corner of the library, pouring through books that might help us pass our NEWTs. "I have a feeling that we're the only ones taking these tests seriously," Remus said while watching James chase a first year around the library with a dead ferret from our Care of Magical Creatures class. "Kind of makes me feel silly."  
  
I shook my head. "You shouldn't. James will be the one feeling silly when he's working as a busboy for the rest of his natural life." I laughed at the idea, immediately feeling guilty for it, and continued reading through my book silently, just enjoying Remus' company beside me.  
  
This year seems like it has gone by so quickly and already Dumbledore is making plans for graduation. Lily bursts into tears whenever someone mentions the fact that we won't be returning here next year. "Every September first for the past seven years," she blubbered in the courtyard one afternoon, "I've boarded the train for Hogwarts and spent many glorious months here. What will I do without it?"  
  
Sirius shrugged. "Celebrate?" he offered. I knew that Sirius was planning a rather large party after graduation, one that involved going into as many pubs as possible and drinking himself silly. Much to my surprise, Remus agreed to join him on the jaunt, as well as Peter and James. When the invitation was extended to us, I agreed wholeheartedly but Lily hesitated.  
  
"I don't have to drink, right?" she asked tentatively.  
  
James shook his head. "You can sit and watch us and then direct us home," he told her to which she smiled.  
  
"Okay, I'll go."  
  
I feel torn. I can't wait to go because it will be a great party, but on the other hand, I'm terrified because I'm not ready to face the world. I guess I've depended on Hogwarts for a crutch for entirely too long. Although Dumbledore's opening his offer for seventh year students to begin Auror training at the Ministry. Only those who excel in subjects such as Transfiguration and Defense Against the Dark Arts will be accepted but most of us qualify in this area.  
  
There was an attack in London yesterday but Voldemort's followers who go by the title of Death Eaters. Over twenty people were struck down and killed and Dumbledore is furious. I think he wants to build up an army against Voldemort because Lord knows the Ministry isn't helping much.  
  
Fighting for freedom,  
  
Abby  
  
April 10  
  
The plans for graduation were announced yesterday. The ceremony will be held outside on the grounds, unless weather prevents it, in which case it will be moved indoors to the Great Hall. After the ceremony, a dance will take place in the Great Hall, which Sirius wants to desperately blow off.  
  
"Who cares about some stupid dance?" he cried. "Let's just skip it and go directly to the pubs."  
  
Lily looked horrified. "We can't skip the dance!" she cried. "James and I already have our clothes picked out." James' face turned red while his friends stared at him. "Who are you taking?" Lily asked Sirius smugly.  
  
Sirius' eyes widened. "You mean I have to go with someone?"  
  
Lily nodded defiantly. "It's only natural. Remus and Abby are going together, aren't you guys?" She turned to us and Remus and I shared a look of confusion. He had yet to ask me and it had slipped my mind completely.  
  
"Do you want to go?" Remus asked me quietly so that only I could hear him. I looked into his clear eyes and practically melted.  
  
"Of course," I said softly, "if you want to."  
  
Remus cleared his throat. "Yeah, we're going," he said in a defiant voice, almost as if challenging someone to say something or make fun of him. No one did. Lily smiled in satisfaction and turned back to Sirius and Peter.  
  
"You two could always go together," she said in a slow, teasing voice. Sirius jumped up and began hitting her over the head with a pillow from the armchair. She giggled hysterically.  
  
"Okay, fine," she said when Sirius had relented in his pillow fight. "We'll go to the dance for a short while and go to the pubs afterward. After all," she said slowly, tears filling her eyes, "it will be the last night all of us will be together at Hogwarts."  
  
James rolled his eyes behind Lily's back as she fervently wiped away the escaping tears. "We're going to see one another more often than you think," he assured her and she nodded wordlessly. "We'll probably see each other more than we do now."  
  
"True, mate," Sirius agreed. "Cause if I don't find a place to live soon, I'll be camping out in your living room again."  
  
Yesterday in Transfiguration, Professor McGonagall asked us if we were all ready for our exams. I trembled when she spoke but Remus' words filled my mind: "You'll be fine...you really don't need to worry." We had gotten together the previous night to finish studying but got...um...distracted when the common room emptied out. I really enjoy being with him and don't ever want to lose what we have. Remus is the only guy I've dated that makes me feel like I'm the most important thing in his life and I could actually see myself settling down to have a life with him. Of course, every relationship I've had that I've felt good about (and there's been precious few) ends up in tragedy, with the guy deciding that he doesn't want to be with a girl who won't sleep with him after two dates and I wind up heartbroken while he's with the school bed-jumper the very next night. Pardon me if I sound bitter, but it still angers me to this day.  
  
Anyway, Lily and I are going shopping in Hogsmeade next weekend for our graduation 'ensembles', as she calls them. "James and I already have our outfits picked out," she told me and I got the distinct impression that she chose James' for him. "But you and Remus need to get something to wear." She leaned close to me so that the boys couldn't hear what she was saying. "We'll leave the boys out of it, though," she whispered, confirming my suspicions. "They don't know anything about fashion."  
  
I wanted to add that neither did I, but instead I just smiled.  
  
Pleasantly yours,  
  
Abby  
  
April 25  
  
Wow. I feel like I haven't written in ages, although it's only been two weeks. We've really been cramming for our NEWTs, which commence on June 20. It seems like it's a long while away, but in reality, it's closer than I expected. Graduation follows the completion of NEWTs, on June 29, and then we leave Hogwarts for the last time on the 30th. Lily still cries whenever someone mentions it.  
  
We went shopping in Hogsmeade and Remus actually accompanied us. "I don't want you dressing me up in some clown suit," he joked to Lily, who shoved him playfully.  
  
"I don't pick out clown costumes," she chided gently. "Just elaborate ones."  
  
I saw his eyes widen in fear.  
  
What we bought, actually, is quite nice. Simple summer clothes instead of the typical outgoing formal dress wear. "It will be too hot," Lily reasoned. "James and I are wearing just summer clothes as well."  
  
Hogsmeade is so much more fun when the snow has gone. Although the village looks absolutely gorgeous blanketed in white powder, it's nice to be able to sit down on the grass wherever we like and talk. We've been talking a lot and Sirius is holding out for Auror after Hogwarts.  
  
"You'll have to work hard," she informed him, "and even then I don't know if your marks will get you in. They're not exactly top shape."  
  
Sirius recoiled. "Sorry Miss Perfect," he joked. "Maybe you should write my NEWTs for me."  
  
Lily shook her head in horror. "I'm having enough trouble with my own!" she wailed. "I don't know if I'll ever be ready."  
  
"Me, neither," I chimed in. "My Transfiguration skills are still rather mundane. If I pass, it will be a miracle." Beside me, Remus squeezed my hand in reassurance and I was grateful for that. I knew he believed in me and that helped my confidence.  
  
But perhaps the most exciting bit of news I could give is that a week or so ago, Lily and I were going through old Hogwarts year books and such in the library. Some of the haircuts people had back then...wow! "Just imagine," I said to Lily, "that by this time next year, someone will be looking through our yearbook and making fun of us."  
  
She nodded in agreement, then her eyes widened in shock. "Do you remember?" she asked in a hushed voice, "when Dumbledore was talking to McGonagall about Voldemort and how he used to go to school here?"  
  
"Yeah," I replied vaguely. I did remember that day that we had been hiding in the book stacks, only to overhear this conversation. "What about it?"  
  
"Do you remember what his name was?"  
  
I searched my memory. "Tim Rambo or something, wasn't it?"  
  
Lily shook her head, her eyes still wide. "Tom Riddle," she said, holding up the book to face me. There was a picture of an extremely handsome boy, wearing a Prefect's badge, smiling up at me and winking. The name 'Tom Riddle' shone in bright ink underneath his picture.  
  
"Let me see that," I said, snatching the book out of her hand. "He's cute."  
  
"Abby!" She grabbed the book back from my hands. "He's now running around, killing people right, left and centre!"  
  
"I know," I replied. "But he wasn't back then, was he? Regardless, he was still cute."  
  
Lily was silent for a moment while studying the picture looking back up at her. "He was cute," she admitted after a few moments. "He seems like a flirt." She blushed as the picture continued to wink at her. "But a murderer," she finished, slamming the book shut and putting it back on the shelf. We didn't talk about that for a long time afterwards, but when we did, Lily said that she just wanted to forget all about the whole thing.  
  
I told Remus about what happened with the yearbook and his face was filled with concern. "You should have Dumbledore remove that book from the shelves," he said angrily. "A person like that should have no place within the walls of Hogwarts, even if he was a student here years ago."  
  
I nodded silently. I could agree to a point, but on the other hand, didn't find it fair to the other students in Voldemort's classes. Just because their fellow classmate had turned out to be a raving lunatic didn't mean they should be banished from the shelves. That was just as bad as Voldemort wanting to rid the world of people with Muggle parentage.  
  
Yours in baffle,  
  
Abby  
  
April 27  
  
I can't talk for long here, but there's something I have to tell you!  
  
Dumbledore was talking to the other staff members earlier today and James and Sirius were sneaking around under James' invisibility cloak. They rushed back to the common room to tell us that they had overheard Dumbledore telling the other staff that Voldemort (a.k.a. Tom Riddle) had Muggle parentage himself!  
  
"That slimeball had a witch mother and a Muggle father!" Sirius fumed. "How fair is that?"  
  
"Apparently," James chimed in, "his father left his mother while she was pregnant with Voldemort after he found out she was a witch." He shook his head despairingly. "Sick. Completely and utterly disgusting."  
  
Lily remained silent, with an odd look in her eyes. It looked something like triumph, like she had won a point over on Voldemort, but it was gone as soon as it appeared. James threw his arm protectively around her shoulders and we sat in silence, absorbing what had just been said.  
  
Anyway, I won't talk long now. Remus has planned a romantic evening under the stars outside by the lake...be back later to tell you all about it.  
  
Yours forever,  
  
Abby 


	10. May

May 3  
  
Oh, these past few days have been heaven. Last I left, I was going on my romantic evening with Remus and the word romantic doesn't even begin to describe how I felt. We walked across the grounds to the little pavilion by the lake. Remus had managed to scoop a few bottles of Butterbeer (courtesy of his wild and daring side) and we sat under the roof of the pavilion on the picnic tables, drinking Butterbeer in the crescent moonlight.  
  
I've never felt so alive. Nothing spectacular happened, but it was just everything—the night air, the breeze that brushed past us, the way Remus held my hand gently and looked into my eyes, the way my heart beat so fast I thought I was going to faint; everything was so perfect. And the way he kissed me...it was like never before. So incredibly soft and gentle, showing his true appreciation of me as a person, but so stimulating. I felt as though my entire mind was brimming with excitement. I shivered with exhilaration; this was the way things were supposed to be. I felt electrified by his every touch and the way he looked at me was pure ecstasy. I know this sounds insane but I've never felt so wild, so carefree and so happy in my entire life.  
  
When we returned to the castle, we sat in the common room until it was almost two in the morning. Oh, how badly I wanted to tell him that I was ready to move our relationship further; I love him so much that my heart actually aches when I leave him. And so it did when we parted ways to go to our separate dormitories that night. I lay awake for a long time that night, pondering what our future together would be like. Our lives will be filled with pure joy and bliss. We would marry under the bright blue sky and raise several children happily.  
  
I told Lily every detail the following morning and she looked positively radiant for me. "You're so in love!" she cried, her cheeks rosy with my description. "It's so cute!"  
  
"It's not cute," I reprimanding gently. "It's everything I've ever wanted it to be. And more." I sighed. "I've dated guys before but nothing's ever been like this."  
  
She smiled. "I'll never think twice about werewolves again," she said and we both giggled.  
  
During breakfast that morning, Remus and I shared several special looks and he caught up with me before classes. "I want to do this properly," he said, holding my hands carefully. Some little tiny part of me actually thought he was going to propose and I began panicking. Although that's what I wanted, I'm only seventeen!  
  
"Will you go to the graduation dance with me?" he asked and I breathed a sigh of relief.  
  
"Of course," I replied, grinning. He held me tight to him and I began laughing. "I already agreed," I reminded him. "You don't have to get so emotional."  
  
I could hear the smile in his voice. "I want my last dance at Hogwarts to end with you in my arms," he whispered and I felt my heart melt. "It's going to be perfect," he breathed when we pulled apart.  
  
I can't help but agree.  
  
Lily and James, however, are becoming feisty. Lily's had a fire lit under her ever since James and Sirius revealed that Voldemort's father was a Muggle. Every mention of his name, her eyes go dark and she usually breaks the nearest thing to her. There's been no more news of any attacks or anything of the likes, and I'm certain there are more to come. That's what scares me so much.  
  
All six of us have started studying harder for our exams. "I want to be an Auror," Sirius declared loudly one day during a study period. "And you mark my words, one way or another, I will fight the dark forces."  
  
James snickered. "Right," he said. "And I'll actually be able to produce a Patronus for my exam." He kept flicking his wand, but nothing seemed to be happening.  
  
"It's better with a real Dementor around," Lily piped up. "I love you, James, but I'm not going to go get one for you."  
  
I saw Sirius look up sharply. It was the first time Lily had ever said 'I love you' to James in front of the others and even James looked a little embarrassed. He didn't say anything, however, just continued to work on his ever-failing Patronus.  
  
I'm now convinced that I can pass my NEWTs without much fail. Professor McGonagall began giving us little pre-tests to better prepare us for the real exams. So far there have been three. I received a ninety percent on the first one, an eighty-three percent on the second one and an eighty percent on the third one. Professor McGonagall says if I learn to relax during my exam, I should have no trouble passing with flying colors.  
  
Gotta go and study now. I'll be back soon...hopefully.  
  
Yours in partnership,  
  
Abby  
  
May 11  
  
Okay, so it wasn't all too soon. At least I'm still in May, right?  
  
We had an introduction to the students of Durmstrang School today. What a bunch of pathetic losers if I ever saw one. They think they're all pretty suave because their school studies the dark arts, but when Sirius jumped out and pretended to turn a particularly lanky boy into a snail, he began wailing at the top of his lungs and Sirius was reprimanded pretty heavily.  
  
"These students are guests here with their Headmaster," Dumbledore lectured gently, but you could tell he was really upset this time. "I would expect better behavior from a Hogwarts student."  
  
"He really doesn't know us that well, does he?" James asked when Dumbledore was out of hearing range. We all snickered.  
  
I've noticed that Peter is a lot more jumpy than he used to be. Now, if Sirius surprises him like he usually does, Peter nearly cries with fright. I don't know what he's expecting but Voldemort isn't going to come poking around our school grounds any time soon. He's stupid, but not that dumb. Dumbledore would take care of him in three seconds flat...unless he brought his damn Death Eaters with him.  
  
Remus told me that he saw the little wormy kid that no one likes, Lucius Malfoy, talking to the Durmstrang Headmaster. "I wanted to go to your school," he said, "but my parents thought I should come here. I'm in Slytherin, however...that's almost as evil as Durmstrang."  
  
Severus Snape was not far behind Malfoy, confessing his beliefs that he should join Voldemort's Death Eaters. "I want to serve," he said in his slimy voice. Of course, all these conversations were happening in the strictest of confidence, but they should have chosen a better location than the opening to the Whomping Willow. Apparently, Malfoy got hit quite a bit by the tree before he Immobilized it. That would certainly explain the black eye that appeared, although Malfoy is telling a different story.  
  
"I got in a fight!" he will cry to anyone who stands still long enough to listen. "If you think I look bad, you should see the other guy!"  
  
Remus only laughed. I know for a fact that he despises Malfoy because Malfoy believes that half-breeds should be slaughtered in public. Of course, Malfoy doesn't know about Remus' condition, but it's still the fact that he feels that way. "I'd like to have a go at him in a few nights' time," Remus told me, glowering with hatred. "Let's see him insult half-breeds while he's fighting with a werewolf!"  
  
I put my hand on his arm to calm him down. "Easy," I told him. "Malfoy will get what's coming to him." I glared at Malfoy, who was now downing bottles of Butterbeer like they were going out of style. "Everyone does."  
  
Gonna take a walk to the water before dark...Remus is being taken to the Shrieking Shack tonight and I want a bit of time with him before he's gone. Lily and I are planning on pulling an all-night study session tonight to better prepare for the theories of our magical exams. "Without theory, magic is nothing," as Dumbledore always says.  
  
Magically yours,  
  
Abby  
  
May 18  
  
Remus came back a few days ago, looking worse than ever. I can't help but feel sorry for him, although he insists I don't have to. "I'm fine," he protests when I ask him to go see Madam Pomfrey to help him clear up the cuts he receives. "I'm just tired, that's all." And I know this to be true, because he usually falls asleep in the common room for the first night or two back.  
  
Dumbledore gave a speech as to why the Durmstrang people were here last week. Apparently Dumbledore is holding conferences with each Headmaster from the other two wizarding schools in Europe. Beaubaxton is next week and students are accompanying their Headmaster as well. Apparently all these students are interested in visiting Hogwarts, seeing as Dumbledore is one of the greatest wizards that ever lived.  
  
Dumbledore claims that he had "little to no success" with the Durmstrang crowd, but that Beaubaxton seems to be more promising. "You must remember," he warned us, "that Durmstrang believes in different values than Hogwarts. That, they believe, gives them more power over the rest of us. However, Beaubaxton is as equally powerful in their own strengths and we can only hope that they will assist us in our fight."  
  
"Right," James said. "Durmstrang has 'different values' than us; what's that? Kill anyone who gets in your way?"  
  
Sirius snickered. "Pretty much," he said, glancing up the Great Hall at Dumbledore. "I would assume so, anyway."  
  
Once again, Peter remained silent through the whole conversation. I've noticed that the five of us could carry on a complete conversation, almost forgetting that little Peter is sitting beside us. I don't know what's up with him, but Lily's trying to hook him up with Sally Dobson, another seventh-year who is just as short and as squat as Peter. That should be an interesting match, seeing as Sally has even less to say than Peter nowadays.  
  
I'm starting to feel as though we're all in some big joke here.  
  
Jokingly (but not funnily) yours,  
  
Abby  
  
May 23  
  
Ho hum. The days get weirder as they get longer. More time for insanity. And trust me, there's a lot of that going around right now. James and Sirius returned from a night of 'pubbing' as they call it and James actually proposed marriage to Lily last night. At first I thought she was going to slap him, but instead she stood up and told him softly, "Just go to bed, James."  
  
"But Lily...baby," he protested, but Lily held a hand up and pushed him towards the staircase. "I wanna get married!" were his last slurred words of the evening. When he and Sirius had successfully made it up the staircase, Lily sat down with her head in her hands and it looked as though she was going to cry.  
  
"Lily?" Remus' voice was soft and kind. "You okay?"  
  
She grinned at him through the threatening tears. "Fine," she answered. "I just didn't think my first marriage proposal would be persuaded by alcohol."  
  
Remus laughed and threw an arm around her shoulders. "You've been studying too much," he advised her. "You need to sleep."  
  
"I need to pass my exams!" she argued, reaching for her book again. Fighting against her, Remus wrestled the book away from her. She glared at him, but a small smile played her lips. "I need to study," she told him quietly.  
  
"I know," he replied just as softly, "but tomorrow's another day. You need to sleep now."  
  
Lily closed her eyes in defeat and rose from the couch. "Fine," she said sulkily. "I'll see you guys tomorrow." She went up the staircase, leaving her books on the table, which Remus packed up for her. Turning to me, he smiled.  
  
"I hope she can sleep," he said, sitting down on the couch opposite where Lily sat and threw an arm around my own shoulders. He turned my face toward him and looked deep into my eyes. "Are you going to be able to sleep?"  
  
I shrugged. "Why wouldn't I?" I replied blankly. "Whether I fail my NEWTs or not, I'm pretty okay with that."  
  
He laughed softly. "Well, I'm just making sure," he said, examining my hands. "Because I could help you sleep, if you wanted."  
  
Oh boy.  
  
My first thought was that I should stand up and run. I thought my instincts would demand that. Instead, I reached forth and brought his lips to mine softly, without pressure. The kiss lasted for several minutes and when we broke apart, Remus' eyes were still closed.  
  
"I'm going up to bed," I said, standing up and leaning over so that my face was still level with his. "But I'll be dreaming of graduation." I guess my eyes let on something because he smiled gently at me and kissed my lips once more.  
  
"Me too," he said. I turned and left him sitting on the couch, but my mind was reeling and didn't stop until early in the morning when sleep finally found me. I guess I know in my heart that I'm ready to move on with our relationship and whatever happens after that will happen. I'm sure it will only be for the better.  
  
Charmed,  
  
Abby 


End file.
